Ups and Downs

Since about second grade, I've been overweight. I've always been aware of the fact that I was bigger than the rest of the kids in my class, but it never really bothered me until I was in Junior High. I can't remember a time when someone pointed out to me that I was fat, I just realized it. I never got picked on or bullied because of my weight, but I never let myself forget what I really looked like.

When I was in 9th grade, I decided to try and lose weight. I was more conscious of what I ate, packing healthier lunches and eating less at meals. I ended up losing a few pounds, but, of course, I found it. After that, I tried every type of diet I could think of. I did Atkins, The Grapefruit Diet, Slim Fast, Low Calorie, and Low Fat. I joined a local Jazzercise group and started to get healthier. I was in shape, but I was still fat.

My junior year of college, I joined Weight Watchers with a friend. We went to meetings every Monday after school. I ended up losing about 30 pounds. I was the lightest I can remember being in years. After some time, I lost my desire to continue counting Points and looked for whatever way I could possible cheat the system. I would starve myself the entire day before a meeting so that my weight wouldn't reflect the poor choices I'd made all week. I'd eat everything in sight for three days, and then cut my Points down to almost nothing for the rest of the week. I wasn't employing the healthy lifestyle that Weight Watchers was encouraging. I was not beating the Weight Watchers system, I was scamming myself. I ended up quitting Weight Watchers for a few years at that point.

About two and a half years ago, I decided to give Weight Watchers another shot. I'd never been as successful with weight loss with any other program. I found a new place to attend meetings and I really enjoyed the group of people that were there. I stuck with the program, I was consistent in meeting my goals, working out, and losing weight. Then, it came. The dreaded feeling of something no longer being "new" and "exciting". I was bored. My attendance at meetings became sporadic, I stopped going to Jazzercise classes, and I started going out to eat more often with my boyfriend, no longer planning ahead and making healthy choices. Again, I failed. Again, I quit Weight Watchers.

Six months later, I decided I was ready to be successful again. I rejoined my Weight Watchers group, along with the support of my two best friends. They had both begun weight loss journeys of their own at the same time. We were all very successful. We did workout videos at home almost daily, we tracked every piece of food that went into our mouths, we drove hours just to workout with one another for support. My best friend and I even completed a 5k, though we walked most of it. I lost almost 40 pounds.The day after the 5k, I quit. I stopped paying attention to what I ate. I stopped holding myself accountable. I stopped exercising. I stopped losing weight.

Fast forward another year to last March. I discovered MFP after several of my facebook friends were extremely successful in losing weight using it. MFP was different than Weight Watchers. With MFP, all I had to do was track the calories that I ate. There was a huge database full of food. I didn't have to use a formula to calculate the Points of every bite of food I took. I didn't have to guess. It was all right there in front of me. Plus, it was free, so I didn't have to worry about spending $39.99 each month to be held accountable. It was so new and easy that I quickly became addicted. I tracked every single bite of food I took for 2 months. I also discovered TurboFire, an at-home fitness program that was fun and easy to do! I lost 29 pounds. I felt great. And then, again, I quit.

As you can see, there is a pattern with my weight loss. I get very excited about a new program or a new opportunity to lose weight and I became 100% committed. I spend every waking hour planning my next meal, thinking of ways to burn calories, projecting my progress, and becoming healthy. I lose a substantial amount of weight, and then, for whatever reason, I stop. I completely disregard all of the time, hard work, and dedication that I've had, and throw it out the window. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I gain most or all of the weight back. In some cases, I even end up gaining more than I'd originally lost. It's upsetting. It's a vicious cycle, and I can't seem to find a way to break it. Just when I think, "This is it! This is the time I'm going to stay committed. This time, it's going to work," it doesn't. 

This time, I'm adding blogging to the mix to help hold myself accountable. I'm still tracking my calories with MFP (though I really miss Weight Watchers), I've joined a gym, and I started going to local Zumba classes. I will beat this. I will not let my weight control me. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want, for once, to win.