Addiction

Back when I was involved with Weight Watchers, another member had lost over 100 pounds. As everyone was celebrating her accomplishments during one meeting, someone asked her whether she ever "cheated" along the way. She then began discussing how she did not cheat, because cheating was how she'd gotten where she was. She talked about how she couldn't bring herself to "cheat", because, "one bad meal can take me right back to the start." Her statement stuck with me. She is right. One meal is the trigger. One meal can cause my whole day, week, month, to spiral out of control. This is an addiction; a food addiction. 

Plenty of people are addicts who have found the strength to abstain from their "substance" of choice. The problem is, a food addict simply cannot abstain from consuming food. Food is an essential part of living. Could you imagine if an alcoholic had to sip a few ounces of alcohol several times per day, but was unable to help themselves to the six-pack in the refrigerator? Could you imagine if a former cigarette smoker was forced to take one drag off a cigarette three times per day, but couldn't touch the rest of the pack of cigarettes sitting on the counter? 

Think about it. A food addict must eat several small meals throughout the day, while fighting a mental battle with themselves to not consume more than what is necessary for survival. For someone who has never had a weight problem in their life, this may seem foolish because all you have to do is stop. Well, the problem isn't that I don't know that I need to stop eating, it's actually making myself stop. I know where I need to be and I know how to get there. Now, I must conquer this addiction in order to become a healthier me.

Bad Decisions

Yesterday was a bad day. The day itself wasn't bad, but my choices were. Sometime in the morning I decided that instead of eating the lunch I had packed for myself, I would go to Chipotle. Bad decision #1. After having Chipotle, I came home from work and had several hours of time to myself that were available to workout. I chose not to. Bad decision #2. Then, I made a dinner of a brown sugar burger and fresh cut fries. I chose this dinner even though I knew that it would take me over my daily calorie allowance. Bad decision #3. After this, I was still hungry, so I decided to make chocolate chip cookies. Bad decision #4. After eating probably a dozen cookies, Randy came home and opened a bag of Doritos. I helped myself to a plate of Doritos, covered them in shredded cheese, melted the cheese, and ate the entire plate of Doritos covered in cheese. Bad decision #5.

I don't know what my problem was, but I was hungry. Well, I take that back. I wasn't hungry at all. I wasn't full, but I cannot honestly say that I was hungry. I was craving so many different foods and none of them were good for me. I gave in to my cravings though without any thought. The problem was, the entire time, I knew that I was sabotaging myself. I consciously thought about how my weight loss was going to be affected by the decisions I was making, but I still chose to make them. Being overweight is not an overnight fix. I can easily say that I'm going to make a commitment to become healthier and make better decisions, but two days later, I'm eating whatever I can get my hands on. This is a lifelong battle. I'm going to make bad decisions at times, but I can't let them get me down. Today is a brand new day and today will be different.

I keep thinking about my long term goal. I want to look amazing in a gorgeous wedding dress. I want to look back at my pictures and remember how happy I was, not how fat and uncomfortable I felt. Every single day, Randy tells me how beautiful I'm going to be when we get married and how excited he is to see me in my wedding dress because I'll be the most beautiful bride he's ever seen. I want to prove him right.

Wedding Plans

Ever since I got engaged, I have been entirely focused on wedding planning, so I haven't made any time to write a post. I have been planning on having my wedding on October 6th of this year for the last few years. I've been studying the leaves each weekend in October so that I would have the perfect fall pictures. I've been planning for a fall wedding, purchasing a lot of decorations at the end of last season so that I could make centerpieces for my wedding. Well, it didn't work out. My cousin, who has known for a while that I wanted to get married on that specific day, went ahead and booked her wedding for that day. Needless to say, I'm very upset.

Anyhow, after a lot of stress, tears, and arguing, it has been decided that Randy and I will likely be married on December 29, 2012. There is a hall in Cortland, Ohio that we're very interested in and I'm planning to go take a look at it either tonight or tomorrow. I'd like for Randy to go with me, but I'm too excited to wait until he's available, plus, he doesn't care where we go as long as I'm happy with it. If after looking at the hall, I decide that it's just what I'm looking for, Randy and I will then go together so that he can be in agreement before we finalize our plans! I have a lot of ideas for decorations surrounding the Christmas season and I'm hoping that it'll turn out to be wonderful. It's not the wedding I've been dreaming of for the past few years, but I hope it's still amazing.

December 29, 2012 is 50 weeks and 2 days from right now. My MFP goal is set for 2 pounds per week loss. At this rate, I could potentially lose 100 pounds prior to my wedding. If I did, I'd be at my ideal wedding weight. I know that I won't actually lose 2 pounds every single week. I do know that I can be committed to and focused on my weight loss so that on my wedding day, I'm the healthiest, happiest me that I can possibly be.

This new goal to work toward is perfect. This is the motivation that I need. :)

Yayyyy!

Yesterday, I got engaged! After nearly 3 1/2 years together, my boyfriend finally decided to ask me to marry him. I said yes, of course! I couldn't be more excited and I'm probably the happiest person in the world.

We're planning to get married this fall, preferably October. I can't wait to officially start wedding planning!!

This means that I have no time to slack off on my diet and exercising. I want to look amazing on my wedding day. I have to remember that every single day while making food choices and deciding whether or not to work out. Ten months goes much faster than you realize!!

Ups and Downs

Since about second grade, I've been overweight. I've always been aware of the fact that I was bigger than the rest of the kids in my class, but it never really bothered me until I was in Junior High. I can't remember a time when someone pointed out to me that I was fat, I just realized it. I never got picked on or bullied because of my weight, but I never let myself forget what I really looked like.

When I was in 9th grade, I decided to try and lose weight. I was more conscious of what I ate, packing healthier lunches and eating less at meals. I ended up losing a few pounds, but, of course, I found it. After that, I tried every type of diet I could think of. I did Atkins, The Grapefruit Diet, Slim Fast, Low Calorie, and Low Fat. I joined a local Jazzercise group and started to get healthier. I was in shape, but I was still fat.

My junior year of college, I joined Weight Watchers with a friend. We went to meetings every Monday after school. I ended up losing about 30 pounds. I was the lightest I can remember being in years. After some time, I lost my desire to continue counting Points and looked for whatever way I could possible cheat the system. I would starve myself the entire day before a meeting so that my weight wouldn't reflect the poor choices I'd made all week. I'd eat everything in sight for three days, and then cut my Points down to almost nothing for the rest of the week. I wasn't employing the healthy lifestyle that Weight Watchers was encouraging. I was not beating the Weight Watchers system, I was scamming myself. I ended up quitting Weight Watchers for a few years at that point.

About two and a half years ago, I decided to give Weight Watchers another shot. I'd never been as successful with weight loss with any other program. I found a new place to attend meetings and I really enjoyed the group of people that were there. I stuck with the program, I was consistent in meeting my goals, working out, and losing weight. Then, it came. The dreaded feeling of something no longer being "new" and "exciting". I was bored. My attendance at meetings became sporadic, I stopped going to Jazzercise classes, and I started going out to eat more often with my boyfriend, no longer planning ahead and making healthy choices. Again, I failed. Again, I quit Weight Watchers.

Six months later, I decided I was ready to be successful again. I rejoined my Weight Watchers group, along with the support of my two best friends. They had both begun weight loss journeys of their own at the same time. We were all very successful. We did workout videos at home almost daily, we tracked every piece of food that went into our mouths, we drove hours just to workout with one another for support. My best friend and I even completed a 5k, though we walked most of it. I lost almost 40 pounds.The day after the 5k, I quit. I stopped paying attention to what I ate. I stopped holding myself accountable. I stopped exercising. I stopped losing weight.

Fast forward another year to last March. I discovered MFP after several of my facebook friends were extremely successful in losing weight using it. MFP was different than Weight Watchers. With MFP, all I had to do was track the calories that I ate. There was a huge database full of food. I didn't have to use a formula to calculate the Points of every bite of food I took. I didn't have to guess. It was all right there in front of me. Plus, it was free, so I didn't have to worry about spending $39.99 each month to be held accountable. It was so new and easy that I quickly became addicted. I tracked every single bite of food I took for 2 months. I also discovered TurboFire, an at-home fitness program that was fun and easy to do! I lost 29 pounds. I felt great. And then, again, I quit.

As you can see, there is a pattern with my weight loss. I get very excited about a new program or a new opportunity to lose weight and I became 100% committed. I spend every waking hour planning my next meal, thinking of ways to burn calories, projecting my progress, and becoming healthy. I lose a substantial amount of weight, and then, for whatever reason, I stop. I completely disregard all of the time, hard work, and dedication that I've had, and throw it out the window. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I gain most or all of the weight back. In some cases, I even end up gaining more than I'd originally lost. It's upsetting. It's a vicious cycle, and I can't seem to find a way to break it. Just when I think, "This is it! This is the time I'm going to stay committed. This time, it's going to work," it doesn't. 

This time, I'm adding blogging to the mix to help hold myself accountable. I'm still tracking my calories with MFP (though I really miss Weight Watchers), I've joined a gym, and I started going to local Zumba classes. I will beat this. I will not let my weight control me. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want, for once, to win.

Cheesecake Factory

Tonight after work, Randy and I are going to Cheesecake Factory. Cheesecake Factory is, hands down, my favorite restaurant. I love the bread, the food, and the cheesecake. The only problem with going to Cheesecake Factory is that I find it impossible to leave the restaurant without consuming at least 2000 calories.

In order to compensate for consuming two days worth of calories for dinner, I'm going to have to bust my butt and workout this afternoon. I'm getting off work at 2:30 PM, so it gives me two extra hours in the day to workout and still be able to shower and get ready for dinner tonight. It's supposed to be in the 40s today, so I'm hoping to be able to get some jogging/walking done, along with a workout video of some sort. I hope to burn at least 750 calories today so that I won't be TOO far over!

Get Moving

Last night, I failed miserably. I stayed within my calories, but I didn't work out. At all. I know that a huge part of losing weight more quickly and more successfully is exercise. When I am committed to exercising on a regular basis, I'm addicted. I love the feeling of sweating, of burning calories, of succeeding. I don't love the feeling, however, of getting off the couch that first day, putting on my workout clothes, and working my butt off. 

Yesterday, I had planned to go to the gym after work and get in about an hour of stair climbing, walking on the treadmill, and using the elliptical. Life, however, slightly got in the way of those plans and I let it steer me way off course. I had to come home directly after work because our furnace was being repaired. It was fixed and the guy had gone by around 6:30 PM, but I still didn't get up and move. I had started working on some other things and got so involved that I didn't quit after he had gone. I didn't quit working on it until I went to bed. I feel less stressed because of the things that I had gotten done. I feel a little more stressed, though, about not having worked out as I wanted to.

Tonight, I'm supposed to go to a local Zumba class with my aunt. I've never done Zumba in person, so hopefully I don't look like too much of an ass. It's only about 15 minutes from my house and the workout is an hour long. I'll be committed to burning calories for a full hour. I'm pretty excited about it!!

Something to Think About

Yuck

Oatmeal could be the most disgusting thing ever. It's filling and it's not bad for you, so I've been attempting to it eat it recently. The texture, however, is beyond repulsive. 

Day One Recap

My first day back wasn't the greatest. I use www.myfitnesspal.com (MFP) to track my food and exercise. My daily calorie allowance at this point is 1490 as I have my weight loss set at two pounds per week. I ended up eating 1793 calories. Also, I didn't work out yesterday as I worked two hours later than normal and had to deal with a broken furnace when I got home.

I could have made better choices and stayed under my calorie goal. I had Subway for dinner. My boyfriend, Randy, brought me home a foot long instead of a six inch. I could have easily stopped after six inches, but it was too good and my willpower wasn't there. I could have still been under if I'd stopped, but during Biggest Loser, I decided to have a bowl of ice cream complete with whipped cream and sprinkles. This is my life. It's a work in progress, right?

I'm thinking about going to the gym tonight. I belong to SpireFit in Geneva. I've been a member for a couple weeks and only been there a few times. I would like to get an hour or so worth of working out done this evening. I'm really hoping that I can get a treadmill for my house, as I'd really like to be able to save money by canceling the gym membership and just using the treadmill and workout videos for exercise.

I'm only going to log my weight on MFP on Saturday mornings. I do plan, however, to weigh myself every morning and keep track of my daily weight on my iPhone notepad. I feel like this helps me see the effects of poor choices every day. I also helps me keep track of just how long it takes me to recover from a "cheat" weekend or something like that.

Lunch Choices

My work day is both a help and a hindrance in my weight loss journey. On one hand, I am only able to eat what I have available to me and I cannot spend my day snacking and grabbing whatever looks good in my refrigerator. On the other hand, I can only eat what I have available to me and cannot utilize my refrigerator, cupboards, or stove in order to make a healthy meal. I frequently stop at fast food restaurants to grab a quick meal which hurts both my wallet and my waistline.

It seems like such a grueling task to prepare my meals ahead of time so that I can pop something in the microwave or open up a pre-portioned baggy of fruit, veggies, or some other healthy snack. In the long run,  I am aware that this is the only way to achieve the goals that I have in mind. It's important to be prepared so that you can make the healthiest choices possible. 

As I finish my lunch for the day, Easy Mac and string cheese, I know that although what I consumed was not a lot of calories, it also wasn't the healthiest choice I could have made and will result in my being hungry again shortly. This is a lifestyle change, not a diet. As everyone always say, I didn't develop these bad habits overnight. I'm not going to develop perfectly healthy ones overnight either. I'll get there. Eventually. I know exactly what I need to do, I just need to make myself do it!

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I cannot even count the number of "Day One"s I've had throughout my life. I've been overweight for as long as I can remember and have attempted every diet known to man in order to have a quick fix on my life. I lose a few pounds here and there, take a giant leap "off the wagon" and gain it all back again. And then some.

Each new year, people resolve to make changes to their lifestyles in order to benefit themselves or their life in some way. Every year, I jump on that train, ready to lose weight. This year, my resolution is to get caught up and stay caught up. This applies to my job, my home, and my life. I'm not longer going to put things off until I feel like getting around to it. I'm going to steer myself into the right direction, and go full force. In order to take control of my weight, I need to take control of my entire life.

In regard to my weight, today is the beginning of transforming myself into a happier, healthier me. I plan to utilize diet and exercise in order to attain a healthier mind and body. I will be logging my daily food intake and exercise here.

 

In the past, a friend told me about setting short-term goals for yourself. She had watched a television segment where someone had suggested setting a small weight-loss goal each month, instead of just thinking about the long-term goal. It makes sense. If I think, wow, I have over 100lbs to lose, it's paralyzing; if I think, I'd like to lose 5lbs this month, it's not as overwhelming. My first short-term goal will be to lose 15lbs by February 1.

I can't live this way any longer. I can't keep killing my body. I understand that it's not going to be easy and that I'm that I'm going to have days that I just can't do it. When I fall off the wagon, it's time to start jumping right back on, instead of being dragged along behind it, eating everything in my path.