Challenges

Today is the day I've been both dreading and looking forward to for weeks: my Girl Scout cookies came in! As I sit at my desk, I look at the pile of boxes in the corner, begging for me to dig in and eat them. They only come around once a year, and the peanut butter ones have me hooked.

Tonight presents another challenge. I'm attending my first Cavs game with my best friend. I'm super excited about it and hope to have a good time. I was concerned about the food choices, as at a sporting event you can't exactly find healthy options. I planned my day out on MFP this morning though and I'll be able to indulge in a soft pretzel with cheese AND a hot dog, while remaining within my calorie allowance for the day. 

Throughout life there will always be challenges. It's up to you to make a plan, stick with it, and win.

Still Alive

I haven't died. I'm still here. I just haven't been very committed to losing weight, getting healthy, or writing in my blog. As I've expressed in the past, it's really hard for me to stay on track. I'm constantly looking for a quick fix or something to keep me insanely motivated. Those things are hard for my to find, however, and I lose interest. I should be interested in the long term, in the final product. Instead, I'm interested in what will make me happy RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, I've recently made many unhealthy choices in order to make myself "happy" in that moment. The end result, however, has not left me happy at all.

On Friday, a group of friends and I made a commitment to one another. We all met at one person's house and discussed our struggles with food. We all weighed in, took measurements, and stood together and individually for "before" pictures. These are all friends who have struggled with their weight throughout their lives. We all are on the same journey, we all have the same plan. We all want to be healthier. Each of us set mini-goals for the week. My goals for the week are:

• Track EVERYTHING, no matter what.
• Spend at least twenty minutes, three times per week, exercising.

Those are small goals, but I'm taking a small step. We've all spent our lives chasing a quick-fix, but none of us has found one. This time, we're taking small steps in order to make this more of a lifestyle change, not the diet of the week. Plus, we all have stepped on a scale in front of our peers, our friends, and we have committed to doing so again in two weeks.  My biggest fear is other people learning how much I weigh. Only one of my best friends had ever been privy to that information, and this was because we have always been very similar in weight, always been on this journey together, failing. Now, they all know. They all saw. I can't hide this any longer.

Two weeks from now, I want to be proud of the work I've put in. I want everyone to be happy for me and smile at my accomplishment. I don't want to let anyone else, or myself down. Not again.

Addiction

Back when I was involved with Weight Watchers, another member had lost over 100 pounds. As everyone was celebrating her accomplishments during one meeting, someone asked her whether she ever "cheated" along the way. She then began discussing how she did not cheat, because cheating was how she'd gotten where she was. She talked about how she couldn't bring herself to "cheat", because, "one bad meal can take me right back to the start." Her statement stuck with me. She is right. One meal is the trigger. One meal can cause my whole day, week, month, to spiral out of control. This is an addiction; a food addiction. 

Plenty of people are addicts who have found the strength to abstain from their "substance" of choice. The problem is, a food addict simply cannot abstain from consuming food. Food is an essential part of living. Could you imagine if an alcoholic had to sip a few ounces of alcohol several times per day, but was unable to help themselves to the six-pack in the refrigerator? Could you imagine if a former cigarette smoker was forced to take one drag off a cigarette three times per day, but couldn't touch the rest of the pack of cigarettes sitting on the counter? 

Think about it. A food addict must eat several small meals throughout the day, while fighting a mental battle with themselves to not consume more than what is necessary for survival. For someone who has never had a weight problem in their life, this may seem foolish because all you have to do is stop. Well, the problem isn't that I don't know that I need to stop eating, it's actually making myself stop. I know where I need to be and I know how to get there. Now, I must conquer this addiction in order to become a healthier me.

Bad Decisions

Yesterday was a bad day. The day itself wasn't bad, but my choices were. Sometime in the morning I decided that instead of eating the lunch I had packed for myself, I would go to Chipotle. Bad decision #1. After having Chipotle, I came home from work and had several hours of time to myself that were available to workout. I chose not to. Bad decision #2. Then, I made a dinner of a brown sugar burger and fresh cut fries. I chose this dinner even though I knew that it would take me over my daily calorie allowance. Bad decision #3. After this, I was still hungry, so I decided to make chocolate chip cookies. Bad decision #4. After eating probably a dozen cookies, Randy came home and opened a bag of Doritos. I helped myself to a plate of Doritos, covered them in shredded cheese, melted the cheese, and ate the entire plate of Doritos covered in cheese. Bad decision #5.

I don't know what my problem was, but I was hungry. Well, I take that back. I wasn't hungry at all. I wasn't full, but I cannot honestly say that I was hungry. I was craving so many different foods and none of them were good for me. I gave in to my cravings though without any thought. The problem was, the entire time, I knew that I was sabotaging myself. I consciously thought about how my weight loss was going to be affected by the decisions I was making, but I still chose to make them. Being overweight is not an overnight fix. I can easily say that I'm going to make a commitment to become healthier and make better decisions, but two days later, I'm eating whatever I can get my hands on. This is a lifelong battle. I'm going to make bad decisions at times, but I can't let them get me down. Today is a brand new day and today will be different.

I keep thinking about my long term goal. I want to look amazing in a gorgeous wedding dress. I want to look back at my pictures and remember how happy I was, not how fat and uncomfortable I felt. Every single day, Randy tells me how beautiful I'm going to be when we get married and how excited he is to see me in my wedding dress because I'll be the most beautiful bride he's ever seen. I want to prove him right.

Wedding Plans

Ever since I got engaged, I have been entirely focused on wedding planning, so I haven't made any time to write a post. I have been planning on having my wedding on October 6th of this year for the last few years. I've been studying the leaves each weekend in October so that I would have the perfect fall pictures. I've been planning for a fall wedding, purchasing a lot of decorations at the end of last season so that I could make centerpieces for my wedding. Well, it didn't work out. My cousin, who has known for a while that I wanted to get married on that specific day, went ahead and booked her wedding for that day. Needless to say, I'm very upset.

Anyhow, after a lot of stress, tears, and arguing, it has been decided that Randy and I will likely be married on December 29, 2012. There is a hall in Cortland, Ohio that we're very interested in and I'm planning to go take a look at it either tonight or tomorrow. I'd like for Randy to go with me, but I'm too excited to wait until he's available, plus, he doesn't care where we go as long as I'm happy with it. If after looking at the hall, I decide that it's just what I'm looking for, Randy and I will then go together so that he can be in agreement before we finalize our plans! I have a lot of ideas for decorations surrounding the Christmas season and I'm hoping that it'll turn out to be wonderful. It's not the wedding I've been dreaming of for the past few years, but I hope it's still amazing.

December 29, 2012 is 50 weeks and 2 days from right now. My MFP goal is set for 2 pounds per week loss. At this rate, I could potentially lose 100 pounds prior to my wedding. If I did, I'd be at my ideal wedding weight. I know that I won't actually lose 2 pounds every single week. I do know that I can be committed to and focused on my weight loss so that on my wedding day, I'm the healthiest, happiest me that I can possibly be.

This new goal to work toward is perfect. This is the motivation that I need. :)